Who is Seonai?
Seonai Gordon is a 40 something female battling TB. She is originally from Scotland, with no patriotic feelings therefore considering herself as a human being, address; The World. She is well travelled, quite smart and has never knowingly hurt another person in any way.
Seonai is a former nurse, turned journalist and you can Google her name - 'Seonai Gordon' - to read some of her other articles. She welcomes emails but cannot claim to be in a position to offer medical advice. She can, however, put you in touch with the right people if you ask.
Having TB doesn't just affect your body, it has a huge effect on your mind. All sorts of things have happened, and are still happening, to me psychologically over the last year. A whole gambit full of emotions. But the worst one and the one that has haunted me the most, is fear.
If you think about it, anything that happens to your body, you can probably learn to cope with it after a time. But when your breath, your very life source, is under attack and compromised it's another story. We all take breathing for granted. until something goes wrong with it.
Still now I nearly pee myself every time I face a set of stairs or a small hill. Big hills are out. Sometimes my fear is so bad that I break out in a sweat and even feel that my bowels will open. That's real fear and I get this on a daily basis now but I force myself through it. I get pains and tingling in the top of my head through lack of oxygen and at times I cough up great clods of blood. It's made my relationship with the drugs better, now I tell myself that they are going to cure me - a good tip from a friend!
In other areas of fear I have improved dramatically. Last year when my breathing was severely compromised I couldn't go into Sainsbury's unless I could see the door. I literally developed panic attacks because I can't run now and I can't breathe properly. This propelled me into a state where, at the checkout (if I got that far) I often had to abandon my shopping and make for fresh air - all the time holding in the pee. Now however, I'm over it and I can shop! Self discipline.
By far the darkest fear though is death. All my life I've been healthy, invincible even. But the TB experience brought the Grim Reaper to my door and he moved in. He followed me to the bedroom, the lounge, the kitchen and the bathroom. He slobbered, waiting for me to give in and he sat behind me when I watched TV. I cried during those days, boy did I cry.
I started to makes plans for my son's future, to tell people that it may not be long. I looked up the history of famous writers who'd died of TB and I tried to imagine what it would feel like. Would I drown in my own blood when my lungs hemorrhaged, or would I die gasping for breath and going blue?
So what's changed? I've decided not to give up that's what. The Reaper has gone now and I fill my life with sequins and pink! No more dark clothes, happy stuff and an enormous appreciation of life. Tiny things make me ecstatically happy, it's a natural high.
I may well be seriously ill but I don't need to add to my problems by being depressed. Oh hang on. maybe it's the 'Happy Pills'???
See you next week.
- Seonai’s World /Column 8/ 27-09-07
- Seonai’s World /Column 7/02-09-07
- Seonai’s World /Column 6/ 22-08-07
- Seonai’s World /Column 5/ 15-08-07
- Seonai’s World /Column 4/ 08-08-07
- Seonai’s World /Column 3/ 30-07-07
- Seonai’s World /Column 2/23-07-07
- Seonai’s World /Column 1/12-07-07
To contact Seonai by email click here
